Bulk Entry: So Long, Fare Well // Dir en Grey-Apocalyptica Show Recap

This will be my last post on Blogger. While I enjoyed the service, its not exactly what I'm looking for in my blogging platform, which is likely why I don't use it anywhere near as much as I normally would. I always have something to rant and rave about, but never the energy to sit here and type it, not with forty other windows open and a mountain of other things I should be doing sitting in front me me.

There's another reason of course, I might as well get this wall of text out of the way so I can start the picture bombardment.

For a long time now I've been going by one of three (and combinations of) nicknames. "Psychon", "Rascal", and "Haze". You can't hang around my closest friends without hearing them call me Psychon or "Psy" at least a dozen times. That will probably never change, that identity if you will, will always be who I am to them and that's fine. However, these names, originally created to identify the three key facets of myself, are just characters, and the more I sling those identities around, the more the line between the character and the person become blurred. I think so at least.
It sounds utterly stupid, but its honestly just a matter of who I see myself as. I'm none of those three. Not in the way that I see them at least. Not as characters, which is what they are. I'm Victor, that's all. I'm not the reincarnation of some forgotten legend, or the bastard son of a wraith, and I'm not this randomly chosen kid forced to fight a tide of monsters.

So, to distance myself from those names and identities I've decided to come up with new ones. Ones that have no relevance to a story I'm writing, or a game idea I'm designing.

So what does this have to do with anything? I dunno, but I feel like I should write it, prolly to give myself another push in the direction I want to go in. Those names will never die in certain circles, I'm more than certain of that (however, more and more people are just calling me Victor, which makes me happy because to be honest, I actually like my real name.) One circle will probably know me as Psychon until I die. Another will always refer to me as Haze regardless of what nickname I pop-up on. I'm fine with that, but if you're gonna move toward the future, toward improvement, ya gotta shed the old.


On to the Dir en Grey/Apocalyptica show recap!


So this is the second time I've seen Diru at HOB. The first time I saw them it was their first show in Chicago where they headlined. That was back in February of 07 and I was blown away then.
This time I'd seen them live about 3 times.
House of Blues, Riviera (they opened for Deftones), and The Metro.
Since then their shows have gotten progressively more fun although this year the pits were dead. I think my friend Bryan had more fun shoving 12 year olds into their parents than anything though.

My aunt and a buncha her friends were there to see Apocalyptica, Bry dragged me into the pit and away from the bar with all the precious booze behind it. They played a handful of songs both new and old, some of which I'd heard last year, but a few that I'd never heard them play here in Chicago before. Obviously this pleased me.

At some point, halfway through their set, my aunt grabs me out of the pit and points to the opera box right over the stage and says "WE HAVE THAT BOX!" there was little argument on my side. So for the rest of the show, we basked in the awesome sounds of two badass bands from above, occasionally pointing out to people and laughing as they were trampled like peasants... okay that wasn't actually the case, but it was nice to experience the show that close without worrying about someone rushing you into the guardrail or some crowdsurfer kicking you.








That's all I've got. On to new things.

A Tree Falls in the Woods

Yesterday was very necessary. I haven't had that much fun in a while. Wish I hadn't been late though, damn my wonky sleep schedule.
I need new headphones. Mine are starting to feel too bulky for how much running and shit I've been doing lately.
I think I'm gonna hit Best Buy for a pair.

The fog is dissipating rather quickly.
I still need to approach this scientifically though.
No room for error in my calculations kinda thing.

Fuck, its nearly 9PM and I have to be downtown like... right now. D:
Woosh.

Mind Dump - Take it for what it is.

This is almost entirely SoC. If you don't know what that means, then you're some kinda mongrel.
Well, maybe.
I dunno.

I've been ping-ponging between fury and content.

Aggression met with defiance.
I didn't really put 2 and 2 together very quickly.
Fuckin re-re.

All that aside, I'm pretty certain of what's needed now.
Pieces are actually fitting together at an alarming rate.

Snarling beast with an angel's face.
What have I done?
Slam! Static. Static. Static. Slam! Static. Snap back to reality. What the fuck just happened?

All that's left to do is pursue and hope that the pursuit isn't a futile one. Deviation is a variable that throws off the entire equation.


Recreating the conditions from the previous encounter.
This is science damnit!

An End and a Beginning

"I'm sorry, but I'm tired of the standstills and never reaching any conclusions. I give up, I don't want to be part of this relationship anymore."

I don't recall many instances where a simple text message both burned me from the inside and opened my eyes to sanity and reason all within the same moment.
The downs have been short bursts. The reminders strewn about my room usually cause it. Sometimes the occasional memory. Wednesday, August 18th, 2010. I let it happen, I chose not to fight anymore. The discomforting feeling that I'm alone is quickly replaced by the strength I built with her. Because of her. She didn't pull me up, she made me get up. She helped me push myself beyond what my fears and misconceptions of self had limited me too. In the almost two years she was with me, she taught me a decade of lessons.

It wasn't until she dropped the bomb though, that I realized I was just using her as an excuse to keep moving forward. Just like everything else. Always using crutches like a coward. At the same time, I realized that she also had changes to make, ones that I can't be there for, things that are easier done alone. I pry too much, everyone's struggle is always my business, especially my significant other. Its a mindset.

Its been pretty surreal these last few days. Concern has been pouring from some of the most unexpected places. To be completely honest, I don't know exactly how to feel. This is something that I feel needs to happen, more and more. Looking back, it seems like everything was so rushed for a while, then seemed to slow down to an almost non-existent pace.

Tensions flared and stress got the better of both of us on numerous occasions. Would I change any of it? Would I right the wrongs on my end? No, it wouldn't solve anything and it wouldn't be fair. This needs to happen, for a number of reasons. I need to learn how to tackle the world without crutches, without using others as my safety net. I need to stop being afraid. I feel that she needs to go out and experience the world more, find herself, enjoy life, and most importantly be happy with herself for who she is.

"If you truly love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be."

So I'll let her go, meanwhile turning my full focus toward my goals. I'll keep moving forward, growing and progressing. However, I'll do it alone. The end marked the beginning of the latest strain. More resilient and volatile. I'm a brand new monster now.

Now let's see where this new path leads.